Always Indecisive

So, as you can tell from my previous entries, I wanted to get into this school desperately. I wanted it more than I wanted anything else. I succeeded, and moved in August.

Now, I wasn't expecting it to be an easy change for me, but I was definitely not expecting to fall into a deep depression. But that's what happened. Nothing in life is ever what you expect it to be, and this was no different. I am not sure why I thought everything was going to be perfect when I moved out here, but I learned very quickly that I was very wrong.

Everything suffered. I cried all the time, my grades were absolutely awful, I didn't make any new friends, I developed a new crush within fifteen minutes of hitting the school for the first time, I had no appetite and no motivation to do anything.

Last semester was awful. I had been "depressed" before, but never anything like this. I had never lacked the motivation to make changes the way I did last fall. I didn't want to do anything but sit in my comfy chair and idle around on the internet. I didn't read any books or play The Sims, I didn't do any of my usual things. I just moped.

I was never suicidal, but I did have thoughts about how dying would be a relief.

So, how are things now, six months later? Well, I'm doing a lot better. I am more motivated to study, and I'm getting better grades. Slightly better, anyway. I don't have zillions of new friends, but then again, I haven't made much of an effort to make friends. In high school, I always had lots of friends, but back then I was involved in band and such, and I met people and spent more time with them. Here, I don't do anything but go to class.

So, we're approaching May of 09, and many of the people who are my age are graduating from college. And then there's me. One of my friends has already graduated, is married and has a baby. That makes me feel like the world's biggest loser! FYI, my pitiful "relationship" status has not changed.

If I had stayed at my other school, I could be graduating this May, too. If I had stayed with my business degree, or maybe even with my second degree choice, I could be finishing up. And I wouldn't have payed a dime for school. Instead, I'm here, paying a horrendous amount each semester, with three more years of this to look forward to.

So, if I could go back to 2006 or 2005 and stay put, would I?

I don't know. I can't say.

It's like I spend my whole life waiting for some magical event to happen so that I can really start living, but I don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. I need to stop doing that. This move was obviously not that magical event. There is no magical event. I need to grow up and realize that this is my life, that my life is occurring now. These are my golden years!